What Could've Been

Its 3:20 p.m. and am sitting here (again) in my office waiting for the clock to tick to four...why does the clockhand seem to stop everytime i look at it?!?!

As i wait for my weekend to start, i start thinking about what would i be doing if i were still in the Philippines. Probaby on a Friday like this I would be going out to IC's with friends and drinking all my stress away, smoking Winston Lights and having a blast with my girlfriends. I'd probably be cruising around in my Mitsubishi and go home well past midnight.

Then I'd go back to my big fluffy bed. And curl under the covers without changing my clothes.

Then I'd wake up to a glorious Saturday...turn on my TV, pop in a DVD and just watch movies till noon. Then probably I'd get a call from one of my friends who wants to hang out. Then I'll shower and then i'll throw on a shirt and some shorts...get into my Birkenstocks and be outta the door in ten minutes.

We'd probably be meeting up in Vega Center in front of McDonalds and just stay there and think of some stuff to do. Or maybe just talk and talk and talk...

What could've been if i didn't leave my home?

I guess I wouldn't feel "loneliness" the way I know it now. and i guess i wouldn't know the true meaning "independence" if i didn't leave home.

Standing on my own two feet now makes me feel that I've definitely moved on. I moved on with life and left what once was my life. I learned that I can't ask for everything and that sometimes you really have to work hard for stuff that you want. Only to realize that when you finally have your hard earned money in your hands...it's difficult to let go.

I guess I'm just learning how to grow up. And i can't waste time pondering things that can never happen. It's done. It's finished. I've moved on.

But sometimes you can't help wondering...what could've been?

MUSINGS from the BRAINDEAD

It's amazing how self-containment breeds thoughts that don't normally come when you're in the right-state-of-mind...(whatever that means)...

Sitting alone in my room in the middle of the night and I suddenly find myself thinking of stuff that happened to me in the past...

("Man is a social animal" - that is what they say, but after keeping to myself for five months {and counting} I'm suddenly in the position think that sometimes deep-lengthy pondering is healthy to your soul...{and it certainly does help you keep your sanity})

So what am I rambling about?

Isn't it amazing how sometimes people you know suddenly seem like a stranger and how some people you've just met turn out to be you soulmate...

I used to think I knew somebody...I knew everything about the person, right down to the underwear he wore! Everything seemed perfect and somehow I felt life was complete.

But what is complete anyway?

I woke up everyday to the feeling that things couldn't get any better and that whatever crap life threw at me I knew I could get past it. Coz I had someone. Some who knew me inside out and soeone who'd understand my everything.

But isn't it weird how someone you thought could never hurt you...would end up hurting you and change your life forever...And somehow in the future you know you'll back and just thank the person for hurting you for somehow you've learned something from life...and that you know that even though the person changed your life...you suddenly realized that your life is a better life.

ANYWAY...

Over the past year I've noticed how much I've grown...it's incredible to think that almost a year ago I was alone...I was cynical ...and I thought I've had it all figured out.

But I know now that life isn't always what you expect it to be. And that sometimes wishes and dreams don't pan out the way we've dreamed. We come to realize that surprises and miracles happen everyday and that disappointment is a fact of life and that it's something that should never hold us back.

In the course of life we meet people who sometimes live up to our expectations and you learn to love them. But sometimes loving isn't just enough. And that sometimes putting your trust and heart into something and someONE could only get you hurt.

But we do it anyway...putting out hearts on the line, subjecting it to hurt and risking everything making us vulnerable to the spankings & heartaches of the real world. We come to realize that sometimes peope we love don't always come up to our expectations and no matter how high we put them on the pedestal, they're still just ordinary people living ordinary lives and making ordinary mistakes.

But we still do it! We still love. We love and we get hurt. We get hurt and barricade ourselves against the horrible and truthful factoids of life...but we still thrust ourselves in the bullpen of life...emerging as a different person. Somehow realizing we were lacking something we've had before.

Is change within a person really inevitable?

Couldn't we stay the same naive person we were ten years ago?

As we change it's funny how the happiness we feel at one point in our lives could be totally different to the happiness that we feel in another point of our life. It's not that you're less happy or more happy...it's just that experiences sometimes alter the happiness that we could possibly feel.

I mean, I'm happy now. I appreciate every single detail of my life...and that somehow the experiences I've had added up to the intensity of happiness that I am feeling at the moment.

I know I'm not making a lot of sense. And I don't present quacked-up-guru who knows everything about life. I'm just trying to understand life...or my life, for that matter. Maybe I'm just braindead or my brain is just working overtime. But what the heck!

I guess what I'm saying is taht I'm amazed with life. The ups and downs...the hills and troughs of life fascinate me. I watch my life from the bleachers and cheer myself on like an avid fan...

People I've met...from strangers to friends...from friends to strangers...From happiness to sadness...from sadness to happiness...from being on top...to being on the bottom...and slowly clawing your way back up from the mud...and trying to get on with life...i guess, life is just one big bullpen...so bring it on.

Missin You...

Now that you're gone...I feel the space surrounding me. I feel it enveloping me like the blackness of the night. My room had never seemed so big with you not here with me.

Where are you?

I spent heaven in your arms and now I'm here alone. Tears fall from my face and no one to wipe
them away...

Where are you?

I reach out to touch you and you're not there. I try to grasp your hand, for I am afraid, but only to find out to find out I'm alone. All i get is empty space.

Where are you?

Only your voice can soothe me now. I look at photos only to find myself blurring with tears...

Where are you?

How can I hurt this much when I know you're "there" but not "here". Only memories are my companion now.

Where are you?

I watch your back as you leave and try not to cry, only to find out you too were watching my back as I left...

Where are you?

Two hearts meant to be together but space now divides. My heart is longing to touch yours...and it drives me crazy that it can't...

Where are you?

The love of my life, whom I can't even see. I can't wait to spend eternity with you...

OH Where are you?

Every song reminds me of you. Every place I go screams of you and me. Every beat of my heart seems to reach out for you...I can't wait to be with you.

DiSgUsT!!!

It's 6:00 a.m. and my cellphone's been alarming for (i think was) 5 seconds...DAMN. Another work day ahead of me, and I was groggy as hell. I pushed the Snooze button...and drifted off into my sleepy stupor. Thank God for Snooze! Got a little bit more sleep...around 5 minutes to be exact and dragged myself out of bed...

Just my luck...another bad hair day! What an awesome way to start off the day...I could hear roosters crowing in the backyard. DAMN. I could smell their "poopie" stench 50 feet away from my room. God, i do loathe the place...

I went to the bathroom...brushed my teeth, only to find my feet in a puddle in the middle of the bathroom. What the...?! Where have all the bath mats gone? DAMN! I look to where the water was coming from...and to my utter disgust, saw it leaking from the "age-old" toilet. Argh! Can things get any worse???

My stomach was growling, and I headed to the kitchen. Got myself some Spam and eggs. Mmmm...first time in a long time I've had breakfast. I gobbled it up in 5 minutes and walked to the sink...only to step on some dead cockroach on the carpet. DAMN! I hate roaches..they stink...they're disgusting...and they dwell in dirty places. Can't blame them for staying here...
So there I was, with roach intestine on my feet and struggling to walkout on tip toe. I went to this container beside the sink to throw my leftovers away. I opened it...and...DAMN...the stench was unbearable! Sour, bitter stench reached my nostrils and I almost gagged. Left inside the container were the family's leftovers for almost ONE WEEK! DAMN!

I thought the worse was over...but apparently...NOT...

I reached out to return the lid of the container to block out the smell. Only to find it teeming with fat/stubby MAGGOTS! DAMN! They were everywhere! And all I could do was stare and hope I wouldn't lose it.

The Spam and eggs...half digested in my stomach...were swimming around in my stomach wanting to let loose. They were slowly climbing up...wanting to get out...

The maggots were squirming everywhere...and were trying to get into cracks of the "jurassic" kitchen counter top. I have never seen anything so DISGUSTING...and utterly amazing. It was like something you saw on Disovery Channel. All these fat little maggots trying to squirm in between cracks and burying themselves into the week's leftovers.

Thank God I didn't lose it. My Spam and eggs settled in my stomach AGAIN waiting to be digested (again). And my mind was swimming with thoughts of little white maggots.

What a way to start my day. I dressed up...put on my make up...and tried to block away the horrors of my morning. I look forward to work now. Only to find myself coming home in the afternoon to the same place for another round of amazing adventures....