MUSINGS from the BRAINDEAD

It's amazing how self-containment breeds thoughts that don't normally come when you're in the right-state-of-mind...(whatever that means)...

Sitting alone in my room in the middle of the night and I suddenly find myself thinking of stuff that happened to me in the past...

("Man is a social animal" - that is what they say, but after keeping to myself for five months {and counting} I'm suddenly in the position think that sometimes deep-lengthy pondering is healthy to your soul...{and it certainly does help you keep your sanity})

So what am I rambling about?

Isn't it amazing how sometimes people you know suddenly seem like a stranger and how some people you've just met turn out to be you soulmate...

I used to think I knew somebody...I knew everything about the person, right down to the underwear he wore! Everything seemed perfect and somehow I felt life was complete.

But what is complete anyway?

I woke up everyday to the feeling that things couldn't get any better and that whatever crap life threw at me I knew I could get past it. Coz I had someone. Some who knew me inside out and soeone who'd understand my everything.

But isn't it weird how someone you thought could never hurt you...would end up hurting you and change your life forever...And somehow in the future you know you'll back and just thank the person for hurting you for somehow you've learned something from life...and that you know that even though the person changed your life...you suddenly realized that your life is a better life.

ANYWAY...

Over the past year I've noticed how much I've grown...it's incredible to think that almost a year ago I was alone...I was cynical ...and I thought I've had it all figured out.

But I know now that life isn't always what you expect it to be. And that sometimes wishes and dreams don't pan out the way we've dreamed. We come to realize that surprises and miracles happen everyday and that disappointment is a fact of life and that it's something that should never hold us back.

In the course of life we meet people who sometimes live up to our expectations and you learn to love them. But sometimes loving isn't just enough. And that sometimes putting your trust and heart into something and someONE could only get you hurt.

But we do it anyway...putting out hearts on the line, subjecting it to hurt and risking everything making us vulnerable to the spankings & heartaches of the real world. We come to realize that sometimes peope we love don't always come up to our expectations and no matter how high we put them on the pedestal, they're still just ordinary people living ordinary lives and making ordinary mistakes.

But we still do it! We still love. We love and we get hurt. We get hurt and barricade ourselves against the horrible and truthful factoids of life...but we still thrust ourselves in the bullpen of life...emerging as a different person. Somehow realizing we were lacking something we've had before.

Is change within a person really inevitable?

Couldn't we stay the same naive person we were ten years ago?

As we change it's funny how the happiness we feel at one point in our lives could be totally different to the happiness that we feel in another point of our life. It's not that you're less happy or more happy...it's just that experiences sometimes alter the happiness that we could possibly feel.

I mean, I'm happy now. I appreciate every single detail of my life...and that somehow the experiences I've had added up to the intensity of happiness that I am feeling at the moment.

I know I'm not making a lot of sense. And I don't present quacked-up-guru who knows everything about life. I'm just trying to understand life...or my life, for that matter. Maybe I'm just braindead or my brain is just working overtime. But what the heck!

I guess what I'm saying is taht I'm amazed with life. The ups and downs...the hills and troughs of life fascinate me. I watch my life from the bleachers and cheer myself on like an avid fan...

People I've met...from strangers to friends...from friends to strangers...From happiness to sadness...from sadness to happiness...from being on top...to being on the bottom...and slowly clawing your way back up from the mud...and trying to get on with life...i guess, life is just one big bullpen...so bring it on.